Some people I love very much are going through a very hard time. It affects me some, but in a more indirect way. Needless to say, I’m very concerned about my loved ones and I often find myself with a heavy heart or turning some less than pleasant thought over in my head. It’s rather distracting. I’ve been trying to let myself feel whatever it is I’m feeling, instead of denying what’s going on in my brain and my feels. I’ve found that if I avoid dealing with my feelings, they just overwhelm me in a bad way later on. So, I’m trying to acknowledge them and work through them in the moment, which leads to some moments that I hadn’t planned on allocating to self-care becoming ALL about self-care. As a result, I’ve been less productive in the traditional sense and haven’t checked very much off of my to-do list or worked very hard toward my current goals – most of my Christmas decorations are still up! But that’s ok. I’d rather feel not great, but in control of my feelings, and have Christmas decor still up than be a ticking time bomb of emotion liable to have a full-blown melt-down at any moment with a clean living room. I’m pretty sure my husband prefers it this way, too.
I’m at a place now where I need to start figuring out how to let myself feel my feelings and process them in a healthy way and maybe get a couple other things done in life, too. I’m going to work, the dog is being walked, I’m eating and my hygiene isn’t suffering, so that’s great! Being able to maintain some sense of a normal, productive life while processing so very hard feelings is HUGE for me and I’m very, very proud of that. But I also recognize that I need to keep moving forward, keep improving in this area. For instance, I’d love to being able to process my feelings in a healthy and constructive way AND get my Christmas decorations taken down and put away in a timely manner. I KNOW. DREAMING BIG, HERE, PEOPLE!
I feel kind of terrible about myself because that is NOT something I can do right now, but I also know that beating myself up isn’t going to help. In fact, it’s actually going to hinder my progress and weigh me down with unnecessary guilt. My name is Heidi and I have not been able to both process feelings in a healthy way with no emotional explosions AND clean up from Christmas. Fact. Truth. Not going to deny it. But I’m putting one foot in front of the other and every day I learn a little more (though not without great intention and effort). I believe that I will have the Christmas decor put away before February. And I believe that I can do it without pushing myself to the point of an emotional meltdown. I can balance self-care and productivity. And I will! It’s just going to take some work on my end. And I’m down to do the work.